I’ve talked to a lot of people who have found their own perfect someone, and they all say the same. “You find the special person you want to be with just when you’re not looking.”

So if I sit at home and play on computer games all day, that means that the partner of my dreams is BOUND to fall into my lap. However, it’s amazing how often this doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen every day and night. So if I’m not supposed to be looking, how the fook am I supposed to find anyone, least of all the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?

I meant this really to be a bit of a discussion on couples, meeting up with people, failed and successful relationships, and all the stories which make you go “aaawwwwwwww…..” Feel free to share. As I haven’t got any, I can’t really start you guys off, but hey.

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Well it goes without saying that if all you do is stay inside playing video games all day, that you aren’t likely at all to meet a potential romantic partner. The reason is, is you simply are not around people in a social setting very much. When people say “you find someone when you aren’t looking” means that you aren’t going out looking for someone solely for the purpose of dating them and nothing more. I can say this is true from personal experience.

Of the few people I have dated, it seems that when I am not trying overtly hard to find someone, someone else will find me. It was not until recently that I got up the nerve to ask someone for his number. Even then though, I was not out that night with the expectation in my head that I am going to meet someone.

I believe part of the reason that people say this sort of stuff falls in your lap is largely due to preconceived notions, and focus narrowing. When you go into a setting, environment, dating website, bar, etc. looking for someone to date, you already tunneled your focus onto one thing. You won’t be able to meet a person without this idea in your head. You will begin probing the person to see if they meet the lists of criterion that you have for someone you wish to date, weighing out the positive and negatives. This imparts a strong bias, and creates a very subtle form of masking on the individual casting the judgements. It’s very hard for people to see but it walls up your true self inside. This can happen when you meet someone out of the blue, but it is much much smaller. For the reason that if you go into this beforehand knowing what might occur, you have mentally primed yourself for it.

Further, preconceived notions are a major road block. Because you are eying people up under specefic contexts, you are already promoting or docking them points, not allowing clear judgement or understanding. It overforamalizes the subtle nuances of relationships, and the very tricky task of forging them in the first place. Something this fluid can’t be set to a grid pattern on what exactly to do without making it feel clinical, and thus forming weak bonds, if at all.

This isn’t to say you need to do this without trying or thinking of it. It’s more that you need to roll with the punches and simply go with things without overdoing all the planning and ideas. You still do need to put in effort when meeting someone. Be present, be open and friendly, just don’t expect anything. In addition, when you don’t expect something, responses to good things that happen become much more “real”. Not only will you feel this form of excitement in it’s most pure form, others will see it. Pure real emotions form relationships bonds more efficently then anything else that can possibly be done.

Just be yourself. It’s very cheesy, but what I said above completely highlights this.

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Wow. Thank you so much. That’s some fantastic advice right there. It’s really highlighted and explained a very confusing concept for me, and I am VERY grateful.
Ever thought of starting an Agony Aunt column? I’m sure you’d be fantastic.

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I think its similar to the concept of luck. Some people seem naturally lucky to others because they seem to have everything come to them so easily. Really, lucky people make their own luck. They will put themselves into more situations, say yes to more opportunities and generally take more (calculated) risks. Its really just a numbers game after that. If you are generally a more involved person, more things (good and bad) are likely to happen to you. I guess the other part of seeming lucky is focusing only on those positive outcomes.

I think the main obstacle is finding somewhere that has a reasonable amount of gay guys. The main thing though is to try and meet as many new people as possible, even if they aren’t potential matches, because it might be their brother, or their housemate who you eventually meet who is the right one for you.

Also, if you have friends who have gay friends, get them to introduce you, or introduce yourself if it is possible. Hopefully they can put in a good word or two about you as well.

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I’m one of the really lucky ones when it came to finding Mr Perfect! Well not perfect by any means but perfect for me. Yeah I may only be 17 but I know I’m with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with; which to most people might sound stupid but let me explain.

When I was 7 I became the best of friends with a boy in my class Jamie. We were inseparable, genuinely did everything together. When it came to moving to secondary school we both got into the same school. And in secondary school it always remained ‘Jamie and Hannie’; don’t get me wrong I have other amazing friends but he was the one that was always there for me. You see all my life I was a carer to my young brother who lived his life without ever hearing and later suffered swelling in the brain which led to hemiparesis. His quality of life had been so poor for so long that when he passed in Feb 2011 it was almost a relief; his suffering had ended and it was the best thing which could have happened to him.
But through all the ups and downs and the hundreds of times I thought I was going to lose him, Jamie was there for me. At thirteen we realized we had more than friendship for he was someone I couldn’t imagine life without; he is the only person I have ever felt comfortable to cry infront of, to share my emotions with. I feel it is totally his being which has allowed me to get through the tragedies this year has brought me. Since February of this year I have worn his promise ring.

As I said I was lucky in love BUT I genuinely believe that you find Mr Right when you truly aren’t looking for romance, I was after all merely looking for friendship and a shoulder to cry on. Instead I found the man I want to share my life with and even better is he’s taller than me at 6ft5 (I’m 6ft1)! I do hope you find your perfect man soon!

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dunno if this heps but tis my 2 cents, i did stay at home and play pc games and did meet my bf hahahaha online, been together like 4/5 years, was hard work, still is, and i prolly cant top the awesome advice of other people but, jus do what makes you happy, if you love swimming, swim and chances are youl meet somone doin the exact same thing, i did hear a really good saying, about if you dont like what your catching change the bait, which of course means the change has to come from ourselves first ect ect cheese blah. i do think being single is way too underrated especially when you think most songs are about love, like 99%, but being single has its plus points, and its easy to forget cuz being lonly is an awful feeling.
Dunno if it helps but i wish you all the best (:
Lor xx

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